i've never felt so discouraged and so un-motivated in my life before.
im feeling lonely. OH GOD.
loneliness. something i always feared.
if you know me well enough, you would know besides pests that im afraid of, the next thing would be having to be alone. that is one thing i all along am scared of.
i dont like it when im left alone. ):
i cannot find anyone.
ROAR.
i .. i..
im helpless. yes. i am.
我不行了。
真的不行了。
累坏了。
D:
i want to give up already. but i cannot. the more i hold on, the more tired i feel. i want to let go, but the moment i do, i dont feel safe at all. it's like... there's nothing i can use to motivate myself. everything i do, seems meaningless. the more i hold on, the more pain i feel. when i have it, i hold on tight to it cos im thankful it's with me right now.
the moment i let go, i hold on tight to it cos im thankful for the memories. ): i dont know what i want. im at a loss now. first time i feel the need to want to talk to someone. first time i feel so useless and helpless until like that. how how how?
i always tell people, i can sad, i can angry. whatever. but how does it help me to change the situation i am in now? it doesn't. its either you do something about it. or just ignore it. and i am someone who chooses to ignore and let the hurt eat me up further until what is left is nothing. sounds cruel? no. when nothing is left, i wake up and find myself refreshed. with a pool of water, left to evaporate.
i cry, i throw tantrum. thats just part of me showing my true self with regards to my emotions. im feeling so tired alrdy. im trying to be at my best. i smile, i laugh, i tell jokes. REALly? nowadays, my jokes are not funny anymore. no one laugh. no one says im lame.
im silly. in a stupid way. not funny way.
should i or not?
